The Secret to Confidence: How To Avoid The Comparison Trap!
Hey, beautiful people! Confidence seems tricky, but today I am going to show you how very simple confidence can be…it’s mostly related to this comparison trap that we seem to fall in time and time again (especially when we’re on social media!). Let’s learn today how to know how to avoid this trap and exude confidence that is real and not at anyone’s expense.
In this episode we will learn:
~What the comparison trap is and how to avoid it
~How the comparison trap wreaks havoc on our confidence level
~The difference between confidence and arrogant
~How “shoulds” and “oughts” can both hurt and help us
Quotes: “True confidence comes from knowing not that you are better off than other people, but with respect to value, you’re exactly the same as everyone else…so, you might as well be yourself!”
Books, ideas, people, websites mentioned in this episode:
Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/389763.Change_Your_Thoughts_Change_Your_Life?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=nmZrif69fA&rank=1
Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/129603.You_Can_Heal_Your_Life?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=9U30oPJCYm&rank=1
The Host for this podcast:
Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW
The Stress Therapist and Author
Twitter: @stresstherapy
Instagram: @thestresstherapist
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cheriaugustineflake
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cheri-augustine-flake-719b044
Website: https://thestresstherapist.com/
Stay in touch with Cheri and sign up for The Stress Therapist’s Newsletter:
https://thestresstherapist.com/contact/
Join Cheri Flake on her next retreat!
https://thestresstherapist.com/retreats/
https://thestresstherapist.com/beach-retreats/
Want Cheri Flake to be your therapist? If you live in Georgia go to this link:
https://thestresstherapist.com/contact/ to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
Follow Cheri Flake on GoodReads:
Cheri Augustine Flake (Author of Honey Do to Honey DONE!)
Buy Cheri’s book: Honey Do To Honey DONE! A Simple System For A Productive And Happy Household With Absolutely No More Nagging! https://www.amazon.com/Honey-DONE-Productive-Household-Absolutely/dp/0997950919/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8
A word from your host, Cheri Flake, LCSW:
Feeling good after our Stress Therapy session? Awesome. Check out the show notes to connect with me, The Stress Therapist on social media and you can always go to iLoveTherapy.com to find out about meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there. Do you live in Georgia? Are you ready to be one of my clients? Go to my website to find out how you can sign up for a free consultation with me. But at the very least, go to my website and jump on my mailer so, you don’t stress or miss one thing!
TRANSCRIPT:
Hey beautiful people so we know now all these really cool things about how we can re-train our brains Think about what we want in order to create it and to remember that this is a physiological phenomena and that our brain is actually looking after us and helping us fine what we want in our environment by constantly looking at what we’re thinking about what we’re talking about and bringing us those things we have a lot more power than we think or like well I can’t really control how I feel about things well maybe not but you definitely often most of the time change the way that you think about things that when we get into trauma and those other things the rules you know they get a little bit loosey-goosey but I really want you to assume that what I’m saying is true because you won’t be able to figure it out for yourself until you try it OK I have a very low resistance for people tell me that something doesn’t work if they haven’t tried it I just want you to try it and you could tell me that I’m crazy that stupid that whatever that it was will will OK fine with that but I really want you to drive we’re gonna start off a little bit slow so we know that we can train her brains you know to be thinking about we have to re-train that you have to be a little bit patient with yourself while you go about this business of changing the way that you’re thinking about things in the wise words of Wayne Dyer if you change the way that you think about things things that you think about begin to change this is #TruthIfYouDon’tThinkThat’sTrue that’s perfectly fine he’s going into it you might not think some of the things that you’re thinking or true simply because you have not bought them enough talk about specific cognitive distortions but you can assess in your own fox in your own mind and you don’t know how to tweak them and change them in order to eat thinking along the lines that are going to bring you what you want in your life now here’s the thing about this kind of distortions sometimes when we talk but psycho education it’s not very helpful it’s not just talking about in assessing it and giving psycho education which I think is very important also the steps that you take once you have that information right so if I know that my 2000 beds number a couple weeks ago I know that my 2000 bits in my brain are obsessed with what I am thinking about my brain think something about what I want then I need to take the steps to try to start to think about what I want it it takes practice all of this takes practice you know it took a long time for you to become who you are and you know you kind a need to consider yourself a little bit lucky that you get to work on the stuff right like if you listening to me you’re probably not figure out where you go to sleep tonight or what you can eat later I’ve been blessed with working on your beautiful mood your beautiful self your beautiful life and so you kind of have an obligation to go for it right this is what you’ve been giving this is the karmic path you’re taking self let’s try and write again what if it were OK so the first cognitive distortion then I want to bring up is the comparison trap this is a huge one why is this a huge one it’s all over the place it is social media it is going to middle school it is going to college it is getting a job it’s everywhere it all the time it happens all the time I want you to someone this week and I was like I want it’s happening all the time and we are wired up to want more OK all that desire when are we content with what we have when we can set with who we are when are we going to get that people are not posting the horrific I do have a there’s fast morning instead they’re posting there lazy river in life is grand a perfect OK black people are showing their best so if it makes sense OK there’s nothing wrong with that but it doesn’t fly that there’s nothing going on in your life OK I have a friend on my gosh I don’t know I mean shit she was like I would use like a perfect mom right he’s like five kids OK for teenager that was like 15 was the kindest teenager of everything whole life she was giving her kids like fresh blueberries and she grew in her garden for a snack and like I can’t live up to this chick I can’t meet these kind of expectations she’s chilling Super Duper like mom but when I did notice says her shoes were pretty messy by the front door and I got a really good thing going with my shoes stage and the kids that I got a little system going and keep things pretty tidy and I’m pretty proud of it maybe my kids aren’t blueberries for his nap release I got the shoe thing down so we got to recognize that we’re not doing it perfectly in every department right we all have our things that were good at your hover thing that we’re doing well a few things right and we have the things that were working on and you’re gonna be different with everyone and sometimes these pressures to be like everybody else or just that right there’s these should and I think I should be a better mom IHOP to do this I opted to have a garden or whatever which a garden for me would be a nightmare I mean Apsley no interest in that and that’s perfectly OK because that is not what I’m gonna offer my community care family I have other things I can offer like Eno really fun scrabble nights or you know making the meditate every night or all the problems that I’m serving up my kids on Think it’s but this is what they get this is their carbon path is the mom that day I don’t know some sage you say the things you choose your parents emoji means you can learn whatever karmic think you did learn in the life before who does all I’m saying is I want you to be aware but when you post something on social media why don’t you ask yourself if no one like this would I be OK why am I putting this out there is it to make someone laugh is it to brighten someone’s day is it to help my business is it to help someone else’s it to bring it positive message is it so I can show people that I’m doing OK why do I want to do that in Minot doing OK do I need to pay attention to myself and my asking for help I need to start to really look at what you’re thinking about because when we start to look at what we’re thinking about were able to tweak and understand what we want and who we are and who we want to be in where we wanna grow so you have to really be thinking about what you’re thinking about to decide if you’re gonna be open to learning these things about you and you’re gonna learn something about you that you don’t like OK and you went to things about you that you do like and I’m just saying maybe there’s not like or dislike maybe it’s just who you are and really here’s the kicker I think we diocesan this what other people think of you is not your business it seems like it’s your business it’s really not you’re gonna have a 0% success rate guessing what it is and it any given moment I thought you change today somebody might think your magical and then you park in their parking spot and they think you’re a jerk you’re gonna have 0% success rate guessing what it is watching a change and it’s a lot easier to go about your business and beat exactly who you are it’s just easier it’s so much easier to be who you are then it is to try to be what everyone else wants you to be so one of the boys and I like to think about it is assessing confidence rank is this kind of has to was confident I’m OK with the kitchen that I have I like this kitchen I feel good I have a plan to get a new kitchen and one day I have a kitchen here I am getting good ideas a good are having an amazing kitchen that always helps that’s one of the things I tell my clients all the time try that out good for her and you’re right someone had something that you want good for him good for her give them a little log send them some love for that that’s amazing that they have that thing right notice that you’re wanting and desiring it to is this something that needs attention is it a goal that you need to put into your life it’s simply just a little like tinge of envy that he just kind a need to I don’t know notice and then walk all around right OK let’s get back to the conference thing a lot of times and people think that exhibiting confidence or he look confident they’re actually been quite arrogant and here is the difference it’s important that you know what the difference is it’s definitely result of this comparison trap right but it’s putting someone down in order to lift yourself up which I mean in all truth it does work you do feel a little bit better when you put someone else is lift yourself up however however the Robin is this only last for a very short time because it is not in this truth in this one love seeking way of being confident true confidence is when you realize that you are exactly the same as everyone else and so might as well just go ahead and be you that’s what I mean about it being easier it’s way easier it’s like a load off your back it’s like someone taking a bowling ball out of your backpack like wow this is who I am with respect and value I’m exactly the same as everyone else I am just as valuable as everyone else I can just go ahead be myself and that kind of confidence lights up the room that kind of confidence ask quite a long time and then you are much less likely to fall into this comparison trap so your homework is to look at this how are you thinking about things how are you thinking about yourself and comparing yourself to other people is it always good bad or better or worse and where can you interject there and decide that you’re going to think differently about that and also where in your life when you were in this comparison trap do you feel like you might not even want that big huge begin to kitchen it’s too much to clean but it feels like there’s societal pressures or mom pressures are familiar pressures of whatever in your life that make you feel as though you should or eight to want this other thing or to beat this other thing I remember a long time ago when I was I made us is this decision that I need it to be a long time to get out from under it but I want to lie talking about it right now and I just ate I did not I wanted to serve just mom’s email because I have this really cool talking I had this really cool gig at this jumpy house show mom do you know how to be less stressed out and I was in the thick of it my kids were really small I was totally empathizing with my audience in wanting to help them with the tips and tricks and I figured out on my own and come to find out after a little while I really missed my clients that were not mothers that we’re not even women and I did not want to be lumped into mom bloggers are people who help moms or moms this or that you know to be like I didn’t recognize that it wasn’t an entire he was just like pressure I fell from other professionals that works solely with mom’s it was really working for them and I thought maybe I’m supposed to be doing range you don’t know until we give it a try but if you’re open to it if you’re open to it you can see where the shit in the auto pressing on in and I am a therapist I mean in the past I’ve said you know should announce they always make us feel bad which is another thought that you need to tweak in order to feel good because if you should be doing something you’re shooting on yourself so to speak no it feels bad however there are places in your life is just an odd can really help you and help you and changing and thinking that over and having sort of an obligation to your community to your faith to your family to your whatever it is in your life do you think you ought to be doing or should be doing but you have to recognize where those are coming from they coming from someone else are they coming from outside you are they coming from inside of you are they direct you into a way that sounds exciting and fun in a part of the true you or do they direct you in a way that makes you feel bad it’s time to think about what you’re saying to yourself and I should work out. I mean is that movie you towards motivation probably not because remember Number one thing that you need in order to change no matter what is to feel good I really hope you and that’s what is that me you have to be feeling good and if she didn’t answer making you feel bad you’re not working for you if she didn’t answer making you feel good inspiring you and getting you to think about things and they’re coming from inside of you not outside of you and they might be working for you and motivating you and actually helping you along kind of potential lotions and also coming from right and you got to decide where is this coming and I like a victim of the social media monster or am I am realizing that my life is true purpose is to grow tomatoes I don’t know OK but I want you to understand when you’re in the comparison trap where is it coming from what does it feel like and where is your true confidence where is your true self because that’s when you can Reiser realizing that you just the same as everyone else really he is a beautiful you can do this OK let’s meditate together now hey we are going to do which is using our breath to move our life energy in order to achieve calmness and whatever it is the meditation cars for today we’re gonna be doing a tally which is cooling breath so in part of the country that I’m in right now it is very very hot still here at the very end of August until this is a very cooling meditation sitting up in a comfortable position with your spine straight feeling supported if you’re feeling comfortable you can move your hands into a mudra which is a shape typically that your hands take during meditation to head to your meditation experience this is the key on moocher team move your fingers and hands into an OK position where the tips of your first fingers and thumbs and touching and the backs of your hand or on her near your needs find a comfortable space here allow your arms to saddle on your shoulders to settle your spine to settle can you bring your awareness to your mouth now some of you may be I believe genetically predetermined to be able to roll your tongue into a taco if you’re able to do this that is what you’ll do for the duration of this meditation since he rolling your tongue is sticking out of your mouth breathing in through your tongue and out of your nose is meditation is very sure it will only be three minutes and I’ll be with you that is all meditation as silly as it sounds you may want to bring your tongue into your mouth swallow I change it up in someway and I invite you to just stick with it because although this meditation short and very strange I may seem silly just text and I really want you to have them if you’re not able to grill your time just simply stick your tongue out flat allow some space between your tongue and your upper lip see you are able to breathe pan your mouth and if your numbers all right go ahead and stick your tongue out now Roll it up breathe in your mouth through the little tunnel you’ve created and out of your mouth i’ll keep track of the time stay with it… and your breath to remain in your name just sitting calmly allowing yourself to enjoy this moment of peace, Cool and take a long slow deep breath in your notes House oh my deep cleansing breath in your Nanas hog one last awakening beautiful brand in your nose I don’t want it when you’re ready you can open your beautiful OK so now you have this little exercise to tally premium in exercise and meditation to calm yourself especially when you’re feeling hot physically or maybe you’re just feeling hot you know anger right and we can get fired up over social media man I mean I want you to remember he learned today OK we learned the comparison trap why am I in it how do I get out right where is my confidence coming from leaving confident room I being arrogant right also learned you no we’re shouldn’t an auto coming from and they make him feel bad and they actually like motivating you and helping you I will tell you the answer to this is 95% of the time they’re making you feel bad OK so watch those shades not change them to could or want I want to or would it be nice if that’s my favorite one to change it to be nice if I was working out three days a week or whatever or meditating every single day try that it’s a little bit later right feels heavy like you’re doing something really wrong and along time ago and again this is the third time I’m gonna mention Wayne Dyer who is amazing and wonderful and awesome actually oh my gosh I’m recording this on August 30 and I think I can’t believe this I think the reason why I’ve been sort of channeling have a particular is I think he passed away on August 30 no definitely wasn’t last year is probably six or eight years ago but him and Louise hay both passed away on the same day we have to check a check I mean his neck cool how the universe works anyway. Anyway along time ago I heard him say this at a time and changed everything for me maybe this will help you as we go through assessing our thoughts and tweaking them knowing that we can tweak I am in change them and start at different thinking of habitual behaviors right so we can get we want in our lives he said you know you can’t take a bucket of stress and go throw it in your trunk you’re creating it with your thoughts it’s not real OK stress is not real you’re creating it with your thoughts you can’t pick it up and handed to someone you can’t log around with you it’s yours it’s yours to create it’s with you or is tap on create and you can do this OK so we’re gonna do this again next week I’m gonna bring up a couple more can you distortions and we’re gonna work on him we’re going to tweak them we’re going to change him and have you thinking about things that you want and we’re gonna have your confidence school so good so high so one last note I think it’s about exactly one month from today that we are leaving to go to Jekyll Island where you get to be in this beautiful beach vacation all we can long nice long weekend three nights instead of two baby and every once in while you just come down and do yoga and meditation with me it’s gonna be great fun I think we have 63 people signed up and Jekyll Island is a beautiful island off the coast of Georgia I would love love love love love to have you let’s meditate together come on let’s do this you have a lovely lovely day feeling good after I stress therapy session awesome check out the show notes to connect with me distress therapist on social media and you could always go to I love therapy.com to find out about meditation and yoga retreat to become one of my clients and signed up for a free consultation with me and at the very least jump on my mailer so you don’t stress or miss one thing! until our next session MUAH!
