Will I Ever Learn?? “Toxic” People Pleasing, Making Mistakes, Losing My Cool & Tough Life Lessons
This week I’ve made so many mistakes! I wonder if I’ll ever learn! Ever feel this way? This episode is raw, y’all. I’m coming at you with my mistakes, losing my cool, dealing with “toxic” people and situations and the lessons (if any!) I’ve learned along the way. Short answer: we need to be good listeners. Yes, for others but mostly and surprisingly, we need to be the best listeners when our true self is speaking to us. Then, finally, (maybe??) We speak up and the mistakes will stop? Who knows?? Let’s figure this one out together!
In this episode we will learn:
~Why mistakes are actually lessons and how to learn them the easier way
~Why “toxic” people aren’t really a thing
~How to turn around a long bout of mistakes
~Why being a good listener helps you speak up and be your true self
~davidji Sacred Questions Meditation
The Host for this podcast: Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW The Stress Therapist and Author
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Quotes: “If you’re not sure if your true voice is speaking, ask someone who loves you.” -Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW
Interesting Mentions:
davidji
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The Reluctant Medium:
Dr. Maria Rothenburger
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TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00] Hey, beautiful people. What’s up? I just made the biggest business mistake. Like, such a big mistake, and I’m so mad at myself because it seems like I could have prevented it. When will I ever learn? Will I ever stop making mistakes? Do you ever feel like this? Let’s figure it out together. It’s season six tips and tricks that this psychotherapist wants you to know. So relax and settle in and listen up, because your stress therapy session is about to begin right now. Hey, you beautiful people. It’s time for some stress therapy, a podcast about how to meditate and get better at stress for people living in the real world. Finally, a place to park my 25 plus years of experience of working as a psychotherapist in the mental health field. And now, your host, me, the stress therapist, Cheri Flake. Okay, before we get into the thick of it, we’re going to take a teensy tiny break. Be be right back, beautiful people. How are you today? I got to tell you, I’m a little down, and I’m not usually down, so it’s kind of a bummer, you know what I’m saying? And I made a big mistake here recently, and then it sort of tumbled into, like, a lot of mistakes, and now I feel like everywhere I step, this is just a big pile of **** there. And I know what you’re thinking. I do. I do have a puppy, and there are piles of **** everywhere, believe me. Why doesn’t this dog get it? Psyche got it so early. My other dog, my seven year old dog, I mean, we potty trained in, like, a day. This one just does not get the message. This little puppy, Karma, I don’t know. Let’s just say that she’s only had just a few lives on this earth. I think I think she’s got a lot of catching up to do with her next lives. And Psyche is pretty convinced that she’s not a dog. I think she thinks she’s a person, so she doesn’t really want to she doesn’t mind other dogs, but she doesn’t see herself as a part of that pack. She sees herself as, like, a person. And this is a really long way of saying I’m probably making mistakes with the puppy, too. I got so many mistakes. Every day I wake up, I’m like, gosh, I did it again. I did it again. And you know what really makes me mad at myself, which is interesting, because when you’re mad at yourself, there must be two of you, right? Like, there’s one mad, there’s one listening, there’s one that’s mad at yourself, right? So that means there’s two of you, which proves everything we’ve been talking about the past few weeks, about how you need to know who is the listener and who is the ego identity, the one that’s just constantly talking to you. And my little ego identity wakes up every morning and says, today, I’m not going to make any mistakes. I’m not going to make any mistakes. And just this morning, I was like, okay, I’m going to get up, and I’m going to have a pleasant ride to the bus stop, which doesn’t seem like a big deal, okay? And you’re probably wondering why I drive my kid to the bus stop. My kid goes to a charter school, and there’s a satellite bus stop, so the bus stop is like, I don’t know, twelve minutes away, and the school is about 20 minutes away, so it just depends on how we’re doing in the mornings. And so I’m like, okay, we’re going to have a pleasant ride to the bus stop because yesterday I made a big mom mistake, and I knew that I was making it, and I had a little snarky teenager in the car, and I could have prevented it. I totally could have prevented it. And I didn’t. I lost my cool. But anyway, I got up this morning and I was like, just this one thing. Just this one thing I’m going to do, right? You know what I’m saying? I’m going to get this one thing right, and it’s going to set the stage for this new day of because I’m not kidding, I’ve made, like, 30 mistakes in the past week, and about 15 of them had to do with my business. And I am, like, suffering. You know what I’m saying? I got to get my act together, you all because I clearly don’t know everything, right? Like, this is clear. However, I think it’s really cool to take all of these things we’ve learned and apply them to everyday living, right? It’s a daily practice. You got to sit there on the cushion, and then you have to bring whatever you’re reading, whatever you’re studying, whatever you’re trying, whatever you’re changing, whatever you’re learning, you have to bring it into your everyday living, or you’re not going to change and you’re going to be sad. That is just, like, the bottom line. So yesterday morning, I’m explaining to my husband my emotions regarding the multitude of mistakes that I have made recently. And he said, ever so eloquently, I might say, and he is not a therapist. He does meditate, though. He meditates and reads a lot. He is my, oh, my gosh, I’m more of the go sit all day. And he’s more of the, like, go read all day. And so we both try to kind of even each other out. But he said, Remember, these mistakes, they’re just lessons. And I mean, I know that sounds cliche or it sounds silly or whatever, but for some reason, hearing it this time, even though I’ve probably heard that thousands of times before, it really resonated with me because we went over these mistakes that I was making, and you were really able to see the progression of lessons. It was almost like chapter one, here’s a lesson. And then I would just completely miss it. And then I just kept going to the next mistake and going to the next mistake because I wasn’t being a very good listener. And as we sort of parceled through and my husband was very patient, we went through, like, first I did this, then I did that, then I did this. We could see exactly the progression of had I listened right, the circumstances would not have presented themselves in a way for me to even make another mistake. Like, I was not being a good listener, okay? And I’m wearing a bracelet right now from my beautiful friend Whitney Schwartz, who runs Whitney Howard Designs. You can go to Whitneyhoarddesigns.com. She has beautiful pewter jewelry there with all of these amazing messages. And my message on this bracelet says, listen. So clearly there was a part of me that knew I wasn’t being a good listener, and I really, really could have prevented all of these mistakes had I been listening the first time or the second time or the third time or the fourth time. Anyway, long story short, with my daughter, I did get in the car. She starts telling me about this Taylor Swift sweatshirt that we got. I had to return it. It took eight years for them to send it back. They finally send it back, it’s the wrong size. I got to send it back again. And with this teenage cranky accusatory, it’s all my fault that this sweatshirt doesn’t fit her and she can’t wear it to school. And I just was like, listen, you need to be nice to me. And I did get I got super annoyed. She got super annoyed. And we had an unpleasant first half of the ride to the bus stop, and the second half, we resolved it, but I still couldn’t get my act together and just have one pleasant ride to the bus stop. And now I have this other little lesson that I’m going to have to parcel through with my daughter and figure out what it means for me. But my point is, when you’re making mistakes, it means that you have to pay attention. So I mentioned last week that I was reading the book take Your Time by Aknath Ashwaran. And I feel like right now in my life, it’s never been more important to pay attention and be super aware, participate in uni tasking where I’m only doing one thing at a time, to utilize mindfulness skills more than I ever have and to listen to the people around me. But most importantly, and here’s the kicker, I have got to listen to myself. And you may have this problem, too, where you’re just not listening to yourself. And I have seen with the little mistakes that I’m making here and there, that I want something to be true. I really want it to make sense or make it work at work or with my teenager or whatever. I really, really want her to be on the literary magazine club. She said that she wanted to be in the literary magazine club. Why isn’t she in the literary magazine club? I mean, that sounded like a great idea. It’s not my life. I need to be listening to her. She has super valid reasons why she doesn’t want to be in the club. I need to be a good listener. I need to stop with the quick quips and deciding how I think things should be. I think that I shouldn’t have to return that Taylor Swift sweatshirt again. It was such a paino in the butto. But this is just what’s happening, okay? She’s not going to wear it the way it is. It doesn’t matter how I want it to be. And furthermore, here’s the best part and these mistakes that I’ve made. There is a clear message when you stand back and explain it to someone that you love or you take some time to write it down, or you just spend a little bit of time being open to the idea that you do not know best. You have an opportunity to see how you can either undo a mistake or start over and see what is available to you there as a good listener. So in examining the idea that each mistake was a lesson, I need to listen to myself. I need to listen to who I am around that person. And I see on social media a lot this toxic person, and you need to lose this person, and this person is toxic, and that relationship is toxic. None of these things are toxic. None of these people are toxic. You can’t talk about a holy sentient being as toxic, okay? They might not be someone who makes you your best self. You might not look the best around them. You may make bad decisions around them. They might remind you of someone from your old pain body that messed up your life or wronged you in some way, or they might be just bad for you to be around. But that doesn’t mean that they are bad people. They are not bad people. They’re the people that you have found are either your journey and your project and your challenge to get through and be better or to forgive. Not pardon, but just forgive. A lot of people think forgiveness is pardoning. I learned that from Sense of Soul podcast. If you guys want to listen to Shanna, she’s great. She’s another podcaster in the ethereal network of shows. I learned a lot from that show. But rather than think about people that are toxic or bad, think about what you’re surrounding yourself with, who you’re surrounding yourself with. Because I’ll tell you something, while I was making these mistakes, I was losing myself. I wasn’t even acting like myself. I was acting ingratiating. I was acting like I was really small, like I didn’t know better. And in this particular instance, I did. I needed to speak up. And you would think someone like me would not have difficulty speaking up, but I clearly did because my mouth was slammed shut and I was hurting myself and I was coming across as a person that I didn’t even like. And we struggle with that enough, right? We don’t need any help in that department. If you’re becoming unlikable to yourself around a certain person or situation, then clearly something needs to change and you can’t be blaming that person or that relationship or whatever it is. You have to listen to yourself. And so that is my agenda right now. I am invested in listening to myself because even though I have so much to learn and I am a big student of change and a spiritual student, I do know some things and I can speak my truth and I can calmly talk to my daughter and tell her what my feelings are. And I can step away from a situation that isn’t working for me or is uncomfortable. I don’t have to stay in it. I don’t have to defend myself, I don’t have to justify anything. I don’t have to get mad, and I don’t even need to explain myself. I can just be and if you find yourself doing that, what’s the acronym Jade? Justifying yourself, getting angry, defending yourself or explaining yourself. I think these are from Al Anon, which is an amazing group for people that are finding themselves in codependent situations. If you’re doing that, you need to stop and check in. You don’t need to explain to anybody else why you are a certain way. You don’t need to justify anything that you do. You don’t have to lay it down. You don’t have to make anybody see. You don’t have to explain every step you take. And when you do that, you hurt yourself. And I’m telling you this from experience, I hurt myself when I do this, and I’m going to be real with you. I’m using my daughter as an example because it’s humorous and it’s not that serious. And usually we get along just fine and we have a pretty great relationship. But the situation that I’m really talking about, that I’m truly facing right now, I don’t feel comfortable just yet talking about, because it’s still pretty raw. And I was saying mean things to myself, and my inner voice was unkind. And I’m suffering a little bit for it. And it’s because I want it to be a different way. And sometimes when we roll with what is and we stop wanting it to be a certain way, that’s even better. So yes, it was a tough little thing I just went through. I’m a little embarrassed, I’m a little down, I’m a little vulnerable. I feel a little raw, I feel a little sensitive. But I know that that will dissipate because what I’m going to get from this is going to be **** good because I think I’m going to have a new level of listening to my true self that I haven’t had available to me before. So check with yourself. Are you doing the jade thing? Are you finding that when you’re with this particular person or in this particular situation or at this particular kind of event or whatever it is, are you losing yourself? Are you the same person there? Does your ego identity completely change? Are you walking into the thrift store and taking off your entire outfit and trying something else on? Every time you deal in this role, it might not be for you and it might be perfect just the way it is. And if you can stop suffering, which just means wanting something to be different, right, and sit with it, the truth will show itself to you. And it’s going to be way better than all of this resistance and suffering around how you think it should be or how you wish it was. Because I will tell you now that I’ve gone through this little thing that sounds kind of vague and I hope it’s okay, I’m not explaining the whole story because usually I’m perfectly comfortable telling my stories, but I kind of need this one to sit a little longer. But now it seems so clear what was going on. And then when I checked in with my assistant and I checked in with my husband and I checked in with a couple of people around me, they were seeing it perfectly. And I was the one who was like completely rose colored glasses, man. Which is really funny because I actually have rose colored glasses and I wear them all the time. But sometimes I can do that with people and I want them to be a certain way, and I want them to be how I want them to be. I want them to be how it serves me best. And then I’m so worried about if they like me or if I have something to offer them in return. If I feel like they’re giving me their gifts of the universe and I get all wrapped up in this people pleasing and I lose myself and then I’m gone. And I just wanted to come to the little pink treehouse and tell you how I was doing because maybe there’s someone out there who feels just like I do today or yesterday or tomorrow. And I want to tell you that I’m coming out on a bright side and I’m going to be way better for it. Okay? So it’s time for just a really quick break and I’ll be right back with more. I’m not sure that I’m going to wake up and decide to not make any mistakes and actually not make any mistakes. I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. But I do think I’m going to have to reframe that and that I’m going to maybe wake up and say, let’s make my lessons a little bit more prominent. Let’s see the signs a little better. Move slower. Do one thing at a time. Actually truly decide when I’m practicing mindfulness and what that means for me. Be a very good listener and every mistake I made I might treat as an intentional action. And if I look at it that way, then I know I’m bringing myself some new knowledge that I want to pay attention to and that it’s perfectly okay for you and me to be exactly who we are and that a lot of people aren’t going to get it. They’re just not. They’re not going to get you. And that’s fine. That’s perfect. You’re already perfect. So just be exactly who you were made to be. Life is a journey to become exactly that. And the people who do get it and want to be around you and teach you your life’s greatest lessons are going to want your gifts that were given to you from this universe. They’re going to want to be near you. And that’s where our energy needs to go to the people who know who we are, love us and our mistakes anyway. We let go. We don’t have to please everybody. We don’t have to make sure everybody gets it. Everybody’s not going to get it. And I do think that maybe this part of me that thinks this often is the social worker in me. We were trained not to offend anyone. And it’s almost impossible to do that because think about it, people who are looking to be offended will always find a reason to be offended. I mean, you could be offended by this bubblegum pink treehouse. It’s a little offensive, you know what I’m saying? But even still, even if you’re perfect, even if you’re an angel, even if you do everything and I’m making quote marks right, someone out there isn’t going to like you, isn’t going to get it, isn’t going to pick up what you’re laying down. And you’re going to be okay as long as you focus on bringing your gifts into your workspace, your home space, your loving space, that you approach things with love and not fear. Because there’s two doors, right? You can walk through either one. You’re going to walk through either the fear door and do everything with fear, which is exactly what I was doing last week. Or remember that there’s also a love door and you can do it with love. And loving people doesn’t mean letting them walk all over you. And loving people doesn’t mean changing in order to accommodate whatever you think they want from you. Because you’re going to have a 0% success rate guessing what people think. It’s easier to be exactly who you are. Give the gifts that you have, do things with love, and then if you make a mistake, you’re going to be able to see the clear message there. Just don’t compromise yourself along the way because most of us want you just how you are. And the rest of us might need, they might be like little karma, they might need like 1000 or 2000 more lives before they get it or before they get you. And what always helps 100% of the time, no kidding, is meditating. So let’s do it together right now. Thanks for listening.
[20:54] Today we are going to take the wisdom from one of my teachers, the beautiful, wonderful, amazing David G, who taught me this meditation we’re about to do, who is so good at getting beautiful spirits to listen to their own self, to acknowledge that your truth is already inside of you. He does an excellent job of pulling out the knowledge that’s already there, that you might not be listening to, that you might not know is there. So I’m going to hopefully channel through the ether his expertise.
[21:40] Right now he’s all the way across.
[21:50] The country on the West Coast. So here comes me, David G. Let us ask ourselves some sacred questions. So sit up. Find a comfortable space where you’re not leaning back or forward, sitting comfortably on the floor, on a cushion, on a chair. Allow your hands to settle somewhere. Allow some micro adjustments in your body to get yourself as comfortable as possible. And the wise words of David G comfort is queen. Acknowledging this beautiful truth. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself comfortable sitting up. Decide to lend yourself to this time where you face your beautiful self and get to know your beautiful self in a loving, accepting way, knowing that there is some spiritual truth that is available to you if you can be a good listener. Take a long, slow, deep breath in your nose. Let it all go out of your mouth. Take another long, slow, deep breath in your nose. Allow it to come all the way out of your mouth, letting your shoulders and spine relax in your body. One last long, slow, deep breath in your nose. Settling in, paying attention. Let it go out of your mouth. And allow your beautiful self to settle in to this moment, this time, this loving space where only you are there, only you can hear whatever message it is you need to hear to make yourself well. To deal with this better to recognize your true self and purpose. Watching your breath pass through your heart. Center a few breaths. Silently ask yourself who am I? Who am I? Who am I? There’s no right answer. There’s no perfect response. Whatever bubbles up, whatever comes up, allow it to pass through your awareness. Notice it. Who am? Allow this question to fall away from your awareness. Maybe something came up, maybe not. In this moment, begin silently asking yourself what do I value? What are my personal values? What means the most to me? Allow this question to fall away from your awareness and begin asking yourself what is my purposeful? What is my true purpose?
[27:30] You.
[27:33] What is no longer serving me? What is no longer serving me? What can I let go of? Allow this to leave your awareness, all the questions. It doesn’t matter if you only contemplated the questions and nothing came up, or if so many things came up, you were overwhelmed. Move into this space now of lovingkindness. Just send yourself lovingkindness as if every breath you breathe in is love. From the lushness of the earth, every sip of air bringing you more love to your beautiful self. And you’re just filling up and filling up. You breathe in love. You breathe out love. You are love. In the sacred language of Polly, lovingkindness is neta. Neta. Use this as your mantra. I will leave you while you send yourself meta, meta. I’ll be back in a few moments to guide you out. Meta, meta. Loving, beautiful kindness just for you. It’s just for you, and you deserve every drop of it. Taking a long, slow, deep breath in your nose and letting it all go out of your mouth. Come back into this moment, into this time, into this room, into this situation, and before you open your eyes, take another long, slow, deep breath in your nose, releasing it out of your mouth and recognizing that you’re a little bit different after every meditation. Take a long, slow, deep breath in your nose and recognizing that you’re a little bit different after every meditation. So take a long, slow, deep breath in your nose. Awakening and brightening to the new you. Letting it all go out of your mouth. And when you’re ready, you can open your beautiful eyes. Here’s the thing. All you have to be is who you already are.
[37:10] And you don’t have to be everything to everybody. And it’s okay if you’re not right for someone as a friend, as a lover, as an employer, as a contract worker, as a neighbor, whatever it is, because you are not here to make everybody comfortable. You’re not here to make everybody okay. You’re here to bring the gifts that you have to the universe and share it with all of us. And some of us will get it, and some of us won’t. And it doesn’t matter. You’re already perfect exactly the way you are. Life is a journey to become who you already are. And so as long as you share your gifts, what you have, what you were given, what you’ve learned, what you know, what you know to be true, and just who you are naturally. And you’re sharing that, those of us that want to be near you will find our way to you. And it’s perfectly okay if there are.
[38:23] Tons of us who don’t get it.
[38:25] It’s perfectly okay because the other neighbor down the street is going to have that beautiful friendship with that person that.
[38:33] Doesn’T click with you.
[38:34] They’ll have that beautiful relationship or that lesson to learn or whatever it is. And who are we to say how anyone should be? Who are we to say how it should all go down? And every time you make a mistake, I want you to look for the lesson. I want you to look for the thing that remains from it. The emotion, the action item, the new plan. There is so much to gain from your mistake. And if you can’t figure it out, talk to someone who loves you, because they will be able to see it. And if they love you, they’re going to want you to learn it. And they’re going to learn it with you. I love you to pieces. I really hope this was helpful for you. Much love. Before I go, I want to tell you about another ethereal network of shows podcast that I think you’re going to love.
[39:26] Welcome to The Reluctant Medium, where we cover the gamut of out there conversations with an open mind and a curious heart. We want to talk about it all. From psychic phenomena to beings, from other star systems, from energy medicine to out of body experiences and much more, you’ll find a great balance between grounded science backed topics and others that science hasn’t quite caught up to yet. From the explainable to the miraculous, we want to know about it. I’m your host, Dr. Maria Rothenberger, a psychotherapist by trade and a reluctant spirit baby. Communicator. And hey, even though I’m a medium, I’m not buying everything folks are selling. I just have a voracious appetite to know more about what I call the world of the weird. And maybe I’ll try a few things on for size. Join us on your favorite podcast platform or watch on YouTube at The Reluctant Medium. We’ll see you there.
[40:21] How y’all feeling after that stress therapy session? Good. Awesome. Check out the show notes to connect with me, the stress therapist, on social media, at the Stresstherapist, on Instagram, and at stresstherapy on Twitter. You can always go to ilovetherapy.com to find out about meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there. If you live in Georgia and you’re ready to be one of my clients, go to my website to find out how you can sign up for a free face to face consultation with me. At the very least, jump on my mailer so you don’t stress or miss one thing. Until next time, have a lovely, lovely day.
