Gender Speak: How to Communicate With The Opposite Sex Successfully
Gender and communication is tricky. Why is it so hard to get your point across, resolve old arguments and just be heard? Grrrr. Today, you will learn the best way to communicate with someone who might not communicate like you do and I am telling you, this one is a life changer! Then, we will do a heart and throat chakra meditation together.
In this episode we will learn:
~Why communication between the sexes seems so much harder than it seems it should be
~Exactly who Joey and Susie are and what they have to do with your conversation
~Heart and throat chakra meditation
The Host for this podcast: Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW The Stress Therapist and Author
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Interesting Mentions:
Cheri’s Book addressing the communication patterns in this podcast:
Honey Do To Honey DONE! A Simple System For A Productive And Happy Household With Absolutely No More Nagging!
Heartwood Retreat Center : location for Cheri’s Georgia Mountain Retreats
Ethereal Network of Shows Spotlight!
Kerri Hummingbird Sami Soul Guide Every day offers a square centimeter of hope. To see it is to be blessed. Host of Soul Nectar Show w: www.kerrihummingbird.com e: kerri.hummingbird@gmail.com c: 512-809-9816 twitter: KerriHummingbrd facebook: Kerri.Hummingbird linkedin: Kerri Hummingbird instagram: Kerri.Hummingbird doTerra essential oils for mood rebalancing Award-winning memoir, Awakening To Me From We To Me: Emerging Self After Divorce
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[00:00] Hey, beautiful people. What’s up? So we’ve been honing our communication skills here lately, right? We’ve been learning how to have hard conversations, deal with difficult people, and today we’re going to mention a couple of gender differences in communications that might help you get your point across, get what you want and same for whomever you are talking to. It’s season six on Stress Therapy podcast, which is a part of the ethereal network of shows, tips and tricks that this psychotherapist wants you to know. So relax and settle in and listen up because your stress therapy session is about to begin right now. Hey, if beautiful people, it’s time for some Stress Therapy, a podcast about how to meditate and get better at stress for people living in the real world. Finally, a place to park my 25 plus years of experience of working as a psychotherapist in the mental health field. And now your host, me, the stress therapist, Sherry Flake. Okay, before we get into the thick of it, we’re going to take a teensy tiny break. Be right back. Hey, beautiful people. Okay, so we’re gonna talk about something that I think has definitely impacted my own marriage in lovely ways. And I have taught this over and over and found that people do a great job with just this one little piece of knowledge about the differences between how men and women talk. Now I get it. Not everybody is going to be in alignment with their sex and gender, okay? So you’re going to have to kind of figure out if you are one or the other. And there are exceptions to every rule. But in the interest of simplicity, I am going to be using the pronouns she and her for typical female women gender communications and he and him for male communication patterns.
[02:19] Okay?
[02:20] So in some cases it depends on the couple or partnership that’s talking. But usually I have found that one party is one way and the other party is the other way. So you’re going to have to figure out if you are typically on the women’s side of things and typically on the men’s side of things. In my book, Honeydew to Honey Done how to have a Productive and Happy Household with Absolutely No Nagging, which you can pick up anywhere on Amazon or in a bookstore or wherever. Or if you live near me, I will give you a copy and I will sign it. But in my book, I use the names Susie and Joey for the couple in the book and I occasionally find that women are Joey and men are Susie. But in the interest of making it really simple and easy to follow, I’m going to be using Susie and Joey in the same way he, him, her, she. Okay? Just so we can kind of keep track of what’s going on, whether you’re Susie or Joey may or may not indicate whether you’re a man or a woman or how you identify as a man or woman or if you’re non binary, it’s irrelevant. You gotta figure out which communication style is yours in order to cater to the person that you’re talking to, which likely has the opposite communication style. Clear? Okay, so just the other day I was talking to a woman who told me that she identifies with Joey’s side of things and that her husband looks like Susie when he’s talking to her. Okay. So it doesn’t matter. You just got to know which one you are in order to deal. Okay? You got it. So in the interest of clarity, I’m going to be using Susie and Joey. Ready? Here we go. There are exceptions to every rule, however, typically, men tend to want to think things over and women tend to want to talk things over. And if you can take this into your primary relationship, your significant other or even your parent, whatever you’re dealing with, if you can identify whether they’re on the women’s side of things or the men’s side of things, you’re going to be able to communicate with them so much better. So I’m going to give you some examples. I can walk up to my husband and say, hey, I would like to go over the calendar next week and we’re going to switch know, driving the kids to school, and I have somebody helping on this day. And Owen has a tennis match and Violet is going to basketball, whatever, and he is immediately overwhelmed and cuts me off. He is going to be thrown into a negative spiral. He is not even going to be listening in order for me to get my husband to hear me, because men tend to want to think things over and women want to talk things over. I have to go to him instead, which is infuriating for me, by the way, and say, hey, I have some schedule changes next week. When would be a good time to.
[05:05] Talk about this with you?
[05:07] Okay. So I have to tell him what the subject matter is so he’s aware and he can think it over and look at his schedule before he even gets back to me, which to me is infuriating, why can’t we just go over it right this very second and clear it all up? I mean, I think two women could solve world peace over a late right? But I have a typical women gender identifying communication style in this regard. Okay. I do want to talk things over clearly. Here I am talking it over with y’all, you know what I’m saying? But men tend to want to think things over and he does not like to be bombarded with chatter. And I think that sometimes people who have a Susie side of things will say things like we have to talk and come to their partner or significant other or their family member or whomever they have to talk to and launch into a long discussion about the various things they want to talk about. And they may have already even thought it over. Okay? So I’m going to give you another example that I think can be kind of helpful. I remember this really well. We were on Rannel Drive and we had just decided the two of us had decided that we were going to be moving our family and the decision was sort of penciled in, right? We needed to sort of get the logistics and figure out when and where and all those things. And I wanted to talk to him. I was like, well where are we going to go? What are we going to do? How’s it going to be? When are we going to leave? What’s happening? And he was like, I can’t talk about this right now. I need to think it over first. And I said, okay, then I’ll just call my mom and I’ll talk it over with her. And he said, oh no, please don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell anyone yet because we haven’t even figured out all the logistics and details. And I said, Well I’m going to need to talk things over. I need to talk things over with someone. And he said, oh yeah, that’s right. So let’s see, very clearly imply that he wasn’t going to be the one to talk it over with me. He said, Why don’t you call Annapree, who’s my best friend, call Annapree and talk it over with her and just ask her not to tell anyone because then when I see your mom she might want to talk about it or that type of thing and I need to think things over. And I’m like, all right, well I need to talk things over. And we went our separate ways, both of us honoring what the other one needed in order to get through the logistics, the anxiety, the focus, the process, whatever it is that you need to do in order to make a decision, have a conversation, come to some conclusion, a resolution. Okay? So if you just kind of keep that in your head and you can be, hmm, I’m someone who likes to talk things over. I’m Susie, and this person likes to think things over. They’re Joey. Then you can kind of honor the other person’s mode of communication, not yours. Okay? You can tell them how you’d like to think things over or talk things over and that you understand their stance. But if you come at it knowing what they would rather do and honoring that as infuriating as it is for me, even now, even still, I’m like, I know you’re going to want to think things over. Here’s this new decision that I made, please think this over. Or I’ve been thinking about going skiing over Thanksgiving instead of Christmas. What do you think about that? Let me know. I don’t understand why he can’t just answer me because I like talking things over, but he clearly cannot. I have to honor how he is, not how I am. You got to be a little flexible with the person that you’re trying to communicate with, right? You got to be a little flexible. That’s why we do yoga, so we’re flexible on the inside and the outside. Okay? But this is one of those times when you’re really kind of taking one for the team and you’re using a lot of consideration and kindness. Now, that being said, one time we were at Dunkin’Donuts, and we were sitting there with the kids, and I said to my husband, look over in the corner. There were two women that were sitting together at a table. They were clearly engrossed in conversation. One of them was spilling something that looked very private, very personal, really going through it. And the other one was just sitting there listening and nodding her head up and down, up and down. And I said to my husband, watch the receiver of the information, of the sadness, of the trauma of the story or whatever was going on with this distraught woman was just listening. She wasn’t offering any advice. She wasn’t spacing out and looking at other people. I don’t know if I could have even gotten her attention. She was laser focused as the listener for this other you know, people talk, you know, are like hammers and everything looks like a nail, and they just want to run around and fix things. And women want men to know this Susie and Joey type of thing. And again, there are exceptions to every rule, but there is something to that when someone is trying to offer advice or fix something rather than validating mirroring understanding, nodding and just being there and holding space for someone who might need to talk things over.
[10:19] Okay?
[10:20] And that’s why that scenario is often with two Susie’s, right? One of them is understanding what the other Susie needs, and in that way it’s a little more severe, right? So it’s a very strong thing coming at this other woman. It looks like it’s probably more private. It’s not something they’re working out together, right? And so if you’re not working on something together and someone needs to think thing over and someone needs to talk things over, in this case, this is someone who needs someone to be there and listen. And he was really, absolutely surprised to watch this woman never, ever say anything, ever. And when they were done, there was a small exchange of words we couldn’t hear. They got up and hugged and walked out. There was no long advice or lists or things that the other woman should do, right? So if you’re a might, this scenario might not be surprising at all. If you’re a Joey, you might be, huh? I just sit there and nod and listen and nod and listen, and my husband know it is so hard for me to sit there and nod and listen and not want to help you, not want to provide assistance, not want to make you okay and whole and happy again. And that makes perfect sense. So remember, the intention behind communication really matters too. And next week, I’m going to talk.
[11:48] About why it would be so cool.
[11:50] If you actually said that it’s difficult for me to sit here and not want to help you. It’s difficult for me to sit here and not want to solve your problems and make you happy and whole again. And we rarely, rarely do that. Instead, we just knee jerk go with what we think we should do or what someone else would do, rather than what might be the harder thing. And if I’ve learned anything from raising kids, the harder thing is usually the best thing. Okay? So it’s not that easy. Even now, after years and years and years of being married to the same guy and understanding what communication style that he prefers, it is still really difficult sometimes for me to honor it. But I will tell you, it works so much better in the end for all parties involved, it works so much better in the end. Okay, so take a little break, sip of water, think about Joey, think about Susie. Shake it off and come back and we’ll meditate together.
[12:56] We’ll be right back. Find a space sitting up, allowing your spine to be relatively straight with your chin level to the ground. Allow your head to settle in. Allow all the muscles around your eyes and in your face and around your jaw and even around your ears to just find a place of stillness. Allow your neck to settle in and your shoulders, your biceps and triceps and elbows, forearms, wrists and hands. And today, bring your hands into a gyan mudra, which is making the okay signal with your hand, with your first finger and thumb touching, making a circle and then allowing your palms to rest on your knees. Allow your heart center to settle and your belly and your guts. And from the base of your skull all the way down your spine to your sacrum, settle in. Your bottom, your thighs, your knees, your calves and shins and ankles and feet and all of your toes. Settle in. Today we’re going to do a breath meditation. Breathing in your nose. Follow this beautiful breath to your throat. Notice how breath moves past your throat, in and out. You may imagine this breath as a beautiful blue color coding this particular communication throat chakra with beautiful blue breath. Just watch it go in and out, in and out. Now follow the breath even further as this breath comes into your lovely heart. Chakra through this place of love filled to the top with bliss forgiveness, peace, unconditional love. So as the breath passes your throat, it comes down into your heart center. Maybe you see it turning the color green, lighting up your heart, chakra from breastplate to spine, from shoulder to shoulder. Begin to breathe in your nose, past your throat, chakra, into your heart chakra and shooting out from your heart. So the breath comes in your nose, down your throat. And now imagine that your breath doesn’t come from your nose really? That you’re able to actually breathe it through the space between your eyebrows. This place of wisdom and knowing breathing in to that space past your throat chakra into your heart chakra and shooting out of your beaming heart your beaming chest filled with love breathe in through your third eye down and out of your heart center I’m going to leave you with this visual meditation, this chakra meditation. Breathe in through your third eye coming to your throat, coming to your heart and breathe out of your heart space. I’ll be back in a few minutes to guide you out your mind thigh to fall away from your throat, from your heart and just watch your breath as it finds its normal rhythm and space and place again in your body remembering that we don’t really breathe anyway. We’re kind of being breathed. It’s being handled so you can watch it without changing it or manipulating it or taking it over. It goes great without any interference on our part. So take a moment here to just watch it how it is without direction, without judging. Take a long, slow, deep breath in your nose. Let it all go out of your mouth and take another long, slow, deep breath in your nose. Let it all go out of your mouth. Just noticing when you take control of your breath how different that is. One last breath in your nose, cleansing.
[26:57] And clearing and awakening and out of.
[26:59] Your mouth and when you’re ready you can open your beautiful eyes.
[27:17] Okay? I’m hoping that that meditation helps you to speak your truth and in the way that is most comfortable with your partner, whomever you’re speaking with, and that you’re able to honor your beautiful self as well as whomever you may be speaking to. Joey’s, Susie’s in the end, we’re all one. It’s all one love, one big love. And the next time that you go to talk to someone who might have a different communication style than you do, which they likely do if they don’t and they have the same as yours, then it’s probably not even coming up and it’s working out perfectly, which is great for both of you. However, if it’s different, figure out if you’re Susie and you like to talk things over or figure out if you’re Joey and you like to think things over and go from there, honoring the other person’s, the other party’s, communication style and you will get way further along. Also recognizing if you’re running around with a hammer and just trying to fix things and if the person you’re talking to just wants you to hold a little bit of safe space and let them express themselves in an easy, comfortable, safe and lovely setting. You got this. I’ll see you next week. Have a lovely, lovely day.
[28:36] Before I go, I want to tell.
[28:37] You about another Ethereal Network Shows podcast that I think you’re going to love.
[28:44] This is Carrie Hummingbird, host of Soul Messer Show, and I invite you to come over and check out our conversations about all things Essence. Gather around the campfire with us and share stories of connection to that which is bigger than us. The great mystery beyond the veil to those synchronistic moments that lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves. We’ll see you over at Soul nectar show.
[29:17] How y’all feeling after that stress therapy session? Good. Awesome. Check out the show notes to connect with me, the stress therapist, on social media, at the Stresstherapist on Instagram, and at stresstherapy on Twitter. You can always go to ilovetherapy.com to find out about meditation and yoga retreat and other offerings that I have there. If you live in Georgia and you’re ready to be one of my clients, go to my website to find out how you can sign up for a free face to face consultation with me. At the very least, jump on my mailers so you don’t stress or miss one thing. Until next time, have a lovely, lovely day.
