How to End An Argument Immediately With Anyone

Sometimes you just want an argument to end. But how?? Especially, if it’s a hot topic and an argument you’ve had over and over. Or, what about when one party is just way to hot and you want them to calm down? Here are two tricks to get the job done and stop arguing. De-esculating and Disarming can make a rational conversation an option again.

In this episode we will learn:
~The two tricks to end an argument right away
~Exactly what to do and what to say when you want to stop arguing
~Behind Your Eyes Visual Meditation

The Host for this podcast: Cheri Augustine Flake, LCSW The Stress Therapist and Author


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Interesting Mentions:
Sonic Yogi Website Tedx talk on Spotify
My all time favorite eye mask
Heartwood Retreat Center : location for Cheri’s Georgia Mountain Retreats

Ethereal Network of Shows Spotlight!
Kerri Hummingbird Sami Soul Guide
Every day offers a square centimeter of hope. To see it is to be blessed. Host of Soul Nectar Show w: www.kerrihummingbird.com e: kerri.hummingbird@gmail.com c: 512-809-9816 twitter: KerriHummingbrd facebook: Kerri.Hummingbird linkedin: Kerri Hummingbird instagram: Kerri.Hummingbird doTerra essential oils for mood rebalancing Award-winning memoir, Awakening To Me From We To Me: Emerging Self After Divorce

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[00:00] Hey, beautiful people. What’s up? So today we’re gonna learn how to end an argument calmly and immediately. This trick works so well. I used to use it all the time when I worked in the psychiatric emergency room. And today you’re gonna know just how to do it. It’s season six tips and tricks that this psychotherapist wants you to know. So relax and settle in and listen up because your stress therapy session is about to begin in right now.

[00:40] Hey, beautiful people.

[00:41] It’s time for some Stress Therapy, a podcast about how to meditate and get better at stress for people living in the real world. Finally, a place to park my 25 plus years of experience of working as a psychotherapist in the mental health field. And now, your host, me, the stress therapist, Sherry Flake. Hey, beautiful people, what’s up? It’s so good to be here. I just got back from my three day retreat in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. It was amazing. We had a special guest there, the Sonic Yogi. Look him up on Spotify. He is a super badass guitar player, an amazing singing bowl. This is the real deal. Like, this guy is a super badass guitar player. I mean, this is not someone who just learned sound healing in a weekend or over the summer. I mean, he’s an amazing musician, and he’s actually using the science behind brainwaves to calm you, to send you loving. Beautiful. This music is just amazing. Look him up on Spotify, the Sonic Yogi. He’s actually going to give us some music to play here on the podcast. And I cannot believe this is the coolest thing. Turns out the guy played at my yeah. Crazy, huh? I’ll see if I can get some audio and play it for you guys. He’s so good on the guitar. I mean, just amazing. Had such a good time. I actually did a little bit of chanting with Sonic Yogi. I’m so excited. It was amazing. It was a huge honor. Loved it. Okay, on a different note, today we’re going to talk about communication skills. This particular trick, actually there are two I used in the emergency rooms all the time because it works so well. So this particular trick is for a certain scenario. This is for when the arguing is escalating, right? You’re in an argument for sure, and someone might be yelling or speaking really loudly or just getting out of hand. Right. I’m sorry if my voice is a little off. I’ve been a little under the weather. I think it was just the excitement of the weekend and pushing everything in and just working really hard and making the retreat great. And I come home and sometimes I get a little bogged down and maybe my immune system is just not working as well because I’m not paying enough attention to it because all my focus is elsewhere. So I apologize for that. On a side note, I did book a new retreat. It’s May 15 through the 18th. The prices are about to change, so if you want to get in on that, do that now@ilovetherapy.com. Click on retreats. Okay, back to the communication trick. Ready? Here’s how it goes down. You’re in an argument. It’s starting to escalate. It’s getting serious. Maybe someone is yelling, maybe you’re yelling. Whatever. Something’s going down. It’s really bad, and you want it to end. The first thing you do is called deescalating. Deescalating. And in order to get someone to deescalate immediately that’s what I like about this trick. It is immediately. Remember when I was in the emergency room, I was working with people who were super sick. Usually they had some sort of thought disorder. Maybe they were suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, which was my specialty. That’s who I saw the most of. And they end up in the emergency room a lot because they get into trouble because their judgment is so impaired, and they’re usually really scared, and they’re less of a danger to other people as they are to themselves. But when they end up in the emergency room, they can be a danger to someone else because they’re so upset so often. Like we talked about last week, the content of what you’re going to say becomes important. This actually works with a toddler, too. It works with everyone. It’s absolutely amazing how well it works. And in my practice, I like to use things that work. You know what I’m saying? Okay, so here’s how it goes down. Someone’s getting really upset, and you go first to deescalating. And the first thing you do is you begin to talk really quietly. As soon as you talk that quietly, someone is going to be leaning in. You might be doing it right now because I just lowered my voice. Now, as soon as you lower your voice, you’re going to have their undivided attention. They will start to lean in to hear what you have to say. Even if they’re screaming their face off, they’re still going to lean in to listen to you. If you start talking really quietly and use some eye contact. And if you’re dealing with someone with a thought disorder, maybe you don’t use eye contact because that can be very scary. But you look at them somewhere in their face and you begin speaking really softly, and all of a sudden you have their attention. So you’re sure as hell better have something to say then. Okay, so that’s the second part. Okay, so now you’ve got their attention. They’re calmer, they’re leaning in. They’re actually listening to you. And it’s weird because we usually try to get people to listen to us by yelling at them. I mean, that’s what I do with my kids all the time, yelling. I mean, I’m like, if they can’t hear me, I just start yelling, right? Or if they’re not listening, I just start yelling. That doesn’t actually work. If you get really quiet. People lean in. They wonder what you’re saying. I don’t know how it works, but it is super cool to watch it work. But once you’ve got that attention, man, you better have something to say. And so here’s what you say. The second step, the second trick is disarming. What you want to do with someone who’s arguing with you is show them that there’s nothing to argue about if you truly would like to end the argument, right? So let’s say that you’re having an argument with someone and they’re yelling something at you. What you need to do is honestly, that’s the tough part. Honestly agree with them, okay? So if they’re yelling something at you that you cannot agree with, you’re going to have to find an agreeable point. And how you do that is like this. So let’s say that you’re arguing with someone and they say, oh, my gosh, I can’t believe you always do this to me. You always do this to me. Okay, now, you might not believe that because no one always does anything, right? So that’s probably not true. But you can agree with the perception that the person you’re arguing with has, right? So even if they flat out call you a jerk, let’s just say they call you a jerk so we can keep it PG, right? You’re just a jerk. You can even find a point of agreement with name calling in this way. You would say something like, in your calm voice. In your quiet voice, right? But not condescending voice. It’s important that you don’t do that, because when my husband tries to do this trick on me, OOH, sometimes I get even more mad because it sounds condescending. You cannot be condescending. You have to be agreeable, okay? Because there’s no argument if you both agree. That’s the point, right? So in your convoy, you would say something like, I can see why you would think I was being a jerk here lately. I did leave the dishes in the sink for you because I didn’t think it was fair that I had to do all of them, and I was mad at you from yesterday or whatever it was. Or, I can see why you think I’m being a jerk, because I would think the same thing if I was thinking about this like you are. I understand. That makes sense. And now remember, just like anybody, it might escalate before it gets worse. Yes, exactly. And we’re always having the same argument.

[07:44] You know what?

[07:44] You’re right. We are always having the same argument. I don’t want to keep having it either. Okay, so you keep your volume down, even though you’re going to be tempted to match it or go over it, right? You keep your volume down, and you agree with whatever point you can find to agree with. And little by little, they come down and they say things like, yeah, and then if you keep agreeing. There’s nothing to argue about. The argument is over. It’s over. And then you’re not arguing. You’re actually talking to one another. Because if you’re keeping it together and keeping it calm and actually agreeing about the points you can agree on, you can keep it calm and then perhaps open a door where you can discuss things that might be a little bit harder to talk about or bring up things that you don’t agree with. But not while someone is yelling or irrational or super upset. Okay? You can even agree with their emotion. I can see why you’re upset. I see that you’re upset. This upsets me, and I get why you’re upset. It makes perfect sense. Okay. You agree with whatever it is that you can agree with. You’re right. I was late, and that is not very thoughtful. You’re right. I handled that really poorly. You’re right. I was angry and I said something that I didn’t mean. You’re right. I was angry and I said something that was mean, and it hurt your feelings, and that would hurt my feelings, too. Whatever it is, you keep it low volume and you agree, and then the argument is over. If you’re both agreeing on something, there’s nothing to argue about, baby. Nothing. So let’s take a little break, and when we come back, get ready to meditate with me. Yes, let’s do it.

[09:48] Take a moment to find your beautiful, comfortable space.

[09:54] And for this one, having eye covers, something around your eyes. And if you would like my recommendation for the very best eye covers, I’m putting them right in the show notes.

[10:07] But for now, grab anything that could.

[10:10] Go over your eyes. And if you don’t have anything, then just wrap a T shirt around your head because it would be really cool if you could have a way where.

[10:19] You’Re kind of forced to be inward. So if you have to pause here and find some eye covers and come.

[10:30] Back for a visual meditation.

[10:36] Okay, if you’re all set and your eyes are covered and you’re in your.

[10:39] Safe, beautiful meditation space, sitting up.

[10:44] Comfortably, take a long, slow, deep breath in.

[10:50] Your nose.

[10:54] And let it all go out of your mouth. Allow your body to relax. Allow your head to settle, your shoulders to settle. Allow your spine to settle. And for this meditation, I’m going to be leaving you with whatever is behind your eyes. Your point of focus, your anchor, other than mantra or your breath, is going to be whatever you see behind your eyelids. It might just be blackness. It might be lights moving around. Who knows? And when thoughts come, you simply bring yourself back to whatever lies behind your eyes. I’ll leave you with this, and I’ll be back to guide you out.

[12:04] You lam.

[21:13] Allow yourself to come back into this room, these walls. Become aware of your surroundings and where you are, and just notice how your body feels having spent some time inward, can reflect on whether your eyes were closed behind your eye covers or open. And again, I’ve put my very favorite.

[21:45] Eye covers in the show notes, so.

[21:47] Anything that happens later, ordering them lunchtime, going to bed, this task, that project that chore everything can wait. While you sit here in the quiet and calm that you have created, take a long, slow, deep breath in your nose, letting it all go out of your mouth. And go ahead and do that one more time in your nose. Let it all go out of your mouth. And one last beautiful breath in your nose, letting it all go out of your mouth. And when you’re ready, you can take off your eye covers and open your beautiful eyeshadow.

[22:55] Okay, I hope that was lovely for you. And the next time you find yourself in an argument, remember first deescalate, get quiet, have them lean in, and when you have their attention, which you definitely will, be sure that you’re ready with something to say, which is disarming and agreeing with whatever point that you can honestly, that’s the key. Honestly agree with. Okay? I would love to see you at one of my retreats. We have so many new listeners. This is so exciting. So definitely reach out to me, let me know how I’m doing. Review and rate us. And if you’re feeling, like, overly generous or super happy or you learned something here that really mattered to you, hit me up on PayPal, man. Throw me a couple bucks. It would mean the whole world to me. Sherry Cheri@thestresstherapist.com but most importantly, keep meditating, keep doing it, because you only get those beautiful benefits if you actually do it. And my whole self wants nothing more for you than to be happier and healthier and living your best life. Have a lovely, lovely day. Before I go, I want to tell you about another Ethereal Network Shows podcast that I think you’re going to love.

[24:17] This is Carrie Hummingbird, host of Soul Messer Show, and I invite you to come over and check out our conversations about all things Essence. Gather around the campfire with us and share stories of connection to that which is bigger than us. The great mystery beyond the veil to those synchronistic moments that lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves. We’ll see you over at Soul nectar show.

[24:48] How y’all feeling after that stress therapy session? Good. Awesome. Check out the show notes to connect with me, the stress therapist, on social media, at The Stresstherapist on Instagram, and at Stresstherapy on Twitter. You can always go to ilovetherapy.com to find out about meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there. If you live in Georgia and you’re ready to be one of my clients, go to my website to find out how you can sign up for a free face to face consultation with me. At the very least, jump on my mailers so you don’t stress or miss one thing. Until next time. Have a lovely, lovely day.