Stop Ghosting Yourself!

📝 Episode Summary: In this heartfelt episode, Cheri unpacks the sneaky habit of putting everyone else first—even strangers—and what it really means when we constantly flake on ourselves. She calls it Southern Hospitality Syndrome: a charming but toxic blend of kindness and chronic self-abandonment. With her signature warmth and wit, Cheri shares personal stories, including a hilarious tale of 20 years of polite miscommunication, and offers real-world tips on how to finally treat yourself like someone you actually care about. Stick around for a guided chakra meditation focused on the heart, throat, and third eye to help you align with self-love and truth. 🔑 Three Key Learning Points:

• Self-Abandonment Looks Polite: Being ultra-kind to others while bailing on your own needs is still abandonment—just with a smile.
• Calendar It Like You Mean It: Treat personal commitments like appointments with someone important (spoiler: that’s you).
• Confidence = Equality: True confidence isn’t about being better—it’s knowing you’re just as valuable as anyone else at the table.

📣 Mentions & Shout-Outs:

• 🎵 “Bless Your Heart” by Megan Moroney – for a little Southern passive-aggression education
• 🏃‍♀️ Peachtree Road Race – Cheri’s one and only running moment (cheers included)
• 🧘‍♀️ Vista Yoga in Atlanta – Cheri teaches there on Thursday nights
• 🌐 Website: ilovetherapy.com – retreats, classes & all the good stuff
• 📧 Join the email list for stress-free updates & surprises
• 🙌 Producer Credit: Big thanks to Owen Flake, the silent hero behind the scenes!

Hey, beautiful people. What’s up? Okay, so sometimes it’s really easy to show up for people that you love, and it’s easy to show up for people that mean so much to you or that have shown up for you.

And sometimes it’s really easy to show up for your neighbor that’s been kind of mean to you and someone you don’t even like. And it’s easy to show up for someone you don’t even know,

and it’s hard to show up for yourself. Are you doing this? Are you there for everybody but you? Are you? Kind of.

To everybody else but you, you could have Southern hospitality syndrome. I’m going to tell you all about it and how to cure it today.

Hey, beautiful people. It’s time for some stress therapy. A podcast about how to meditate and get better at stress for people living in the real world.

Finally, a place to park.

25 plus years of experience of working as a psychotherapist in the mental health field. And now your host, me, the stress therapist, Sherry Flake.

Hey, beautiful people, what’s up? Okay, so I am not from the Southern part of the United States, and if you’re from the United States,

you would probably pick up on that. I am loud. I am. I don’t have a Southern accent.

I love it here. And I do have a little sign in my basement that says, I’m not from the south, but I got here as fast as I could because the people here are so nice.

In fact, there is a term that is coined here, and it’s called Southern hospitality,

where you can just expect people to treat you with so much love. Here it is almost jarring to someone who comes from the Midwest because we kind of wear our heart on our sleeve.

We say what we think. We. If you ask me a question, I will answer it. If you ask me how I feel, I will tell you. No one sits around and wonders how I feel, just so you know.

And it’s not that it’s wrong or right, it’s just that when you come to the south, there is a level of kindness that is just. It’s unprecedented. And it. It just makes you feel so loved and welcome.

And I remember when I first moved here, me and my sister went to go get haircuts. And, you know, we had only been here for five seconds. We didn’t know anything about Atlanta.

We didn’t know anything about Georgia.

And someone just came up to us and was like, you know,

you want a Coke and a little Southern accent? Y’ all want a Coke?

They were worried about our.

This is back when we had taxis and not Ubers, but they were like, you want us to call your taxi? And just like, caring about us in a way that, like, we just were not used to.

Up north people tend to mind their own business a little bit better. I know I’m going to get into trouble here talking about how the north is better than the south or the south is better, but it’s just so different that we noticed it immediately.

Side note, too,

you know, if someone says bless your heart when you’re in the south,

it sounds kind, but it’s secretly not kind.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about,

go listen to the song by Megan Maroney. Bless your heart.

It’s sort of a passive aggressive. But I’ll talk about that when we talk about passive aggressive.

Okay. Right now we’re just going to talk about Southern hospitality. And Southern hospitality on its own is absolutely lovely.

And it’s, it’s, it just makes you feel like butter. It’s lovely.

But I noticed with the clients that were coming into my office,

it’s not exclusively for Southerners. Okay. People do this all the time. But it, it does imply the Southern hospitality, but it has a syndrome attached to it because,

because it’s when we’re being so kind to other people at the cost of our own kindness to ourselves, or that we’re showing up and doing things for people that they might not even want us to do for them.

Like, we’re not even quite sure that they want that thing from us. And we’re put out having done it. Right. Which doesn’t really make sense when you talk it out.

But it’s really easy to kind of think about when you think of scenarios that we’ve been in.

So, like, here’s a good example, and I use this all the time in my, in my retreats and seminars. But my best friend, she’s very Southern. Her daddy is a preacher.

And everything you’re thinking about her is true.

So you know all the bad thing, all, you know, the little bad influences at the preacher’s daughter.

I mean, she’s a bad influence, but we are thick as thieves. We have been friends for 30 years.

And her mom told me this where her mom was also really, really Southern. She’s got the sweet Swedish accent. Her mom told me this story, which I just love. And she said her husband is, was the preacher of the church, right?

But her mother in law would host this lunch every single Sunday after church, which was, you know, the busiest Day of the week for, you know, and priest’s mom and her husband and they have to go over there every single Sunday.

And she complained about it and she didn’t want to do it. And every single Sunday she’d lug over there and have lunch and cook and do all the things it was such a big to do.

And after 20 years of this, okay,

and priest mom’s mother in law came to her and said,

do y’ all have to come over every Sunday?

I mean,

their level of communication was so poor,

they never even talked about the luncheon. Like, both assumed that the other one was forcing it on them. I’m just saying, okay, like, that’s so Southern to me, right?

But there is some really valid truth there. And we all do it. We all sometimes show up for someone in a way that we’re not even sure they want us to be there for that.

And getting back to Southern hospitality syndrome, yes, it’s really important to have compassion for other people, but you cannot give to other people what you don’t already have.

And so you have to have some compassion for yourself in order to be able to give it, right?

And instead it seems like we’re showing it for everyone else. Like, let’s say that you and I were gonna go out for lunch and I was like, okay, we’ll go to Flying Biscuit at Toco Hill, okay?

They have the best coffee.

And I say, you know what, let’s meet there for breakfast. Even better. They have the best biscuits, right?

So I’ll meet you there at Monday at 9 o’. Clock. And then let’s say that you’re sitting there waiting for me and I just don’t show up. I don’t call, I don’t text, I don’t email.

I don’t do any of the, you know,

20, 20 things that we do, and I just don’t show up. I mean, that is not cool, right? I mean, you. It would be fair for you to call me and I kind of hate this word and I’m sure you know why, but, like, kind of call me a flake,

right? That’s pretty flake. That’s pretty flaky not to just show up, right?

And it would be completely warranted because that is not nice. Well, the thing is I would have to call you, right? I would have to call you up and say,

you know, I’m really sorry, but I can’t make it on Monday. Right? And you would call beforehand. I wouldn’t wait until you’re sitting there waiting for me. Right.

So you would call beforehand and say, you know what? Monday doesn’t work for me. But you also. Here’s another thing you wouldn’t do that we often do with ourselves is that you wouldn’t say something like,

you know what? But Tuesday at 9 works too. But Tuesday at 9 doesn’t work either. Like, you would never do that. You would pick a time, a reasonable time on your calendar that did work.

And you would show this loving compassion and courtesy to let the other person know that you will be there or you won’t be there. And if you don’t do that over time, people aren’t going to want to go out to breakfast with you.

Now think about this.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference between a broken commitment with you or a broken commitment with someone else. A broken commitment with yourself and someone else in your brain is seen as the same.

What does that mean?

That means that when you are breaking commitments to yourself,

when you would never flake out on someone else, you are practicing chronic self abandonment.

Okay? And your brain doesn’t know it, so it will just start calling you a flake over time. There’s this terrible self talk.

You know, I’m a jerk. I don’t stick to my commitments. We’ve all met someone at a party who’s saying, like, well, I’ll just never do that. Or I’d like to meditate, Sherry, but I just know I never will.

Like,

that’s terrible, right? And that sets you up for failure and for disaster. And you are just.

There’s nothing special about you.

You are just as wonderful and holy and divine as anyone that you’re going to go meet for breakfast or lunch. So you don’t deserve special circumstances of being completely blown off if you’re supposed to show up at the gym or show up to meditate or show up for especially this meditation practice that I really want you to have.

You have to show up. You have to make a reasonable time that you’re going to do it. I’m going to be there at this time. Look at your calendar.

And you can be flexible. Listen, you can be flexible. I feel very comfortable making breakfast plans with someone a week or two week or three weeks out.

And then if something comes up, I just reschedule with them. So you have to call yourself up as if you are someone else and reschedule. It’s the only way you can be flexible with a plan.

If you’re flexible without a plan,

then you’re just being wishy washy or flaky.

But if you keep doing it year after year, in time after time. And I say year after year because this is what New Year’s resolutions are. And this is why a lot of people, when I ask them about New Year’s resolutions, they’re like, I don’t do them anymore.

And I don’t know if that’s necessarily the way to go. We’ll do a New Year’s resolutions show next season for sure. You can’t throw a stick on the Internet without finding me talking about them.

Because New Year’s resolutions, the way that we typically go about them, are terrible and set us up for failure. We’re going to do this thing perfectly on this magical day starting.

Starting January 1st.

And I’m going to do this thing perfectly for the rest of my life. Yeah. Yeah, right. Your brain’s like,

no, we’re not doing that. You have to do change little by little. Remember the motivations. Ooh. Okay. You have to do all. You have to follow all those rules on how to get your brain motivated.

Like having a goal by the end of the year and goals each month and things each month and commitments each. Each day or week or month or whatever. Moving towards those goals is a way better plan to get your New Year’s resolution.

But that aside, that aside,

year after year,

if you say you’re going to meditate on Mondays and you never show up or you’re going to go to Tuesday night yoga class or whatever, and you don’t show up and over and over again, you don’t do that, you are saying terrible things to yourself.

You are sending a message to your brain that you don’t matter.

Okay? And that some rando that you don’t even know yet that you were going to meet at a breakfast just because they happen to be in your industry or because they happen to be in your neighborhood or have the same plight for the garden that you want to start or whatever,

that they have some sort of merit you don’t have. And that is, frankly, not true.

It’s time now that you show other people how to treat you by treating yourself in a loving and compassionate way.

Not that you’re better than anybody else, okay?

But that you’re just the same.

Just the same.

And side note, that’s what confidence is. Confidence is not thinking that you’re better than anyone else. It’s knowing that you’re exactly the same as everyone else with respect to value and that you’ve been given some gifts and that you take them on and that you utilize them in your Life.

And you feel pretty good about it. That’s all it is,

okay?

You have to actively tell yourself, you know,

I’m important.

This is important. I’m going to show up for myself.

Now, we’ve been talking a lot here lately about what you want, how to get it, who you are, all those things,

right?

You’re the only one who can show up for you.

You’re the only one who can show up. Last night I was teaching my new yoga class every Thursday night at Vista Yoga here in Atlanta, Georgia, if you want to come.

That’s what I said. I said, you know, we could talk a little bit about meditation or whatever, but we’re really here to do the work.

We’re here to do it.

We’re here to actually practice it.

So in order to make sure that you are not having recurring negative self talk and you’re not leaving yourself abandoned and showing up for everyone else, which only breeds resentment, I think we can all agree there are a few things that you can do to prevent self Southern hospitality syndrome or to cure it.

And that’s when you make a commitment to yourself.

I want you to put it in your calendar. There should be a slot for that particular behavior. When you make a to do list, make sure that there are things on there that bring you joy.

If you have a huge list of things to do that are uncomfortable or hard or difficult or require a lot of psychic energy,

make sure you put things in there that just bring you joy, like buying shoes or,

you know,

I don’t know,

cooking a meal or singing a song or whatever it is. Make sure you have things on there that make you feel good. Because remember,

the highway to change is feeling good. You have to be on the road of feeling good, right? In order to change.

So you put it in your calendar. And that’s why I have my clients every Sunday or Monday. They decide the whole week of what they’re going to do, when they’re going to work out or whatever it is that they’re working on, running or practicing, meditating.

Exactly, it’s in their calendar, exactly when they’re gonna do it. And if for some reason something comes up,

they call themselves up with a reasonable replacement time, how much time it’s gonna take, where it’s gonna be in the calendar, as if someone else is going to meet them there.

The problem is, if you have Southern hospitality syndrome, it’s not an automatic cure. You’re gonna have to pretend that someone is going to meet you there for a little while until you can find this Loving,

compassion and respect for yourself that we so easily tend to find for others, which is sweet and kind and wonderful. But remember,

sweetness and kindness in being lovely and compassionate to other people and having empathy for them is only real when it’s real. It’s only lovely when it’s real. It’s only received well when it’s you, your true, holy and divine, kind self coming through.

And if you can’t muster that up for yourself,

it’s probably gonna be fake going outward.

Okay? So you really have to practice doing that for yourself. I’m gonna call myself up and make a new plan for going to the Pilates class. I’m gonna call myself up and make a new plan for starting that chapter in my book or whatever it is.

And you treat yourself with that respect. And after a while, your brain starts to really want it. I am your accountability partner for meditation, so let’s show up right now.

I’m meeting you there. I’m your accountability partner. Let’s do this right now and show up and meditate together right now.

Speaker B: Okay?

Speaker A: So that stress tip kind of comes with a pretty in the pocket ready to go meditation,

where we’re going to be paying attention to chakras,

energy centers that are in our bodies, starting with our heart,

our throat,

and our connection to the divine.

And when those three things are in alignment and cleared out and functioning beautifully,

it’s really easy to show up for your beautiful self. So find a comfortable seat,

roll your shoulders a little bit,

maybe roll your neck one way or the other, and just allow your chin to float.

Speaker B: Parallel to the ground in space. Close your beautiful eyes, allow your head and neck to settle, your shoulders to settle, your arms and hands to settle.

Speaker A: And your whole spine from the base of your skull all the way down.

Speaker B: To your sacrum and all that your spine holds together.

Settle in your legs and knees and ankles and feet and perhaps have your hands on your knees facing down or up, whichever is more comfortable for you.

Finding your breath.

And take a moment to imagine that your breath coming in to your heart.

Speaker A: Center, from breast plate to spine, from.

Speaker B: Shoulder to shoulder,

that you have a beautiful green breath that lights up like a Christmas light in your heart center, breathing in, lighting up green,

letting go,

allowing this green to come in and out of your heart. Heart center filling up,

letting go.

And as you breathe in, I want you to think about a sentient being,

a person,

a baby,

a pet that you just love. Every time you see, see this being, you are filled with love. Breathing in green, cleaning out.

Speaker A: Breathe in.

Speaker B: This beautiful Sentient being, filling your heart center up with so much love,

breathing out love that’s just going right back to this being.

Love in,

love out.

Love in,

love out.

Now I want you to bring your awareness to your throat.

Speaker A: All the way.

Speaker B: Around the back of your mouth and down your throat and from the back of your neck to your windpipe to the front of your throat,

all the way around your neck.

I want you to imagine that the breath coming in is blue,

a sky blue,

lighting up your beautiful throat,

Breathing in,

breathing out blue.

And allowing you to really, really speak your truth.

Blue in,

blew out.

This is your center of communication, where you express your beautiful self.

Breathing in, lighting up and cleansing this beautiful space of blue energy connecting you to your truth.

Speaker A: And your ability with.

Speaker B: This voice and this prayer breath to speak the truth,

the divine kindness,

the meta, loving kindness to yourself as well as outward.

Filling up with blue,

letting go blue.

Knowing that this strengthens your ability to speak to anyone about anything.

Releasing your blue breath and coming up to your third eye, the space between your eyebrows,

breathing in this indigo light coming in,

lighting up the space between your eyebrows and this strengthening your connection to the divine,

the psychic energy of just knowing where to bring in love, where to bring in truth, where to bring out honesty, where to bring in compassion.

It’s very natural when you connect to your source.

Bring all of your attention as if your third eye breathes on its own own, bringing breath in and bringing breath out.

And stay with it for a few moments and I’ll be back to guide you out.

Speaker A: Sam.

Speaker B: Allow your awareness to move away from your third eye, coming back to your heart center and knowing that when you think about or surround yourself with thoughts or ideas of love,

that it’s not always outward. And take a moment now to breathe in love into your beautiful self,

your beautiful body, your beautiful mind,

your beautiful soul,

turning love inward,

moving up to your throat chakra and allowing yourself to hear your truth within yourself.

What do you need to say to yourself? Where do you need to show up and know the truth?

And as you move up to your third eye chakra,

allow yourself to receive divine knowledge,

your connection to the Holy Spirit,

God, Buddha, Jesus, the Mother Earth,

your source of all, knowing,

all, loving and only truth.

And when you’re ready,

you can open your beautiful eyes.

Speaker A: Thank you so much for meditating with me today. And I hope that if you have.

Speaker B: Southern hospitality syndrome, I want you to know that I feel for you and.

Speaker A: I have been there.

Speaker B: And if you find it easy to.

Speaker A: Be so kind and wonderful to other People,

I think you’re going to find being kind and wonderful to yourself a little easier than you think it’s going to be. It gets easier and easier. That’s why we call it a practice.

So one way to do that and guarantee that you’re doing a good job is that you start to talk to yourself and treat yourself like you would your bestie.

And you would not say things to your bestie, like you’re always late for lunches, or you never stand up to your commitments, or you such a jerk, you’re such a flake or whatever it is.

You would never say that to your best friend.

You just wouldn’t if you’ve ended up here.

No,

you wouldn’t say that. What would you say to her or him?

You’d say,

hey, man, you’re doing the best you can.

I’m a plan on this for Tuesday. If something comes up, I’m going to change it. But right Now,

Tuesday at 2pm I’m going to show up for me and be kind to yourself the whole way there. And it’s just easier.

I mean, have you ever run a race? I mean, I’ve only won run one race. I’m not much of a runner, but there’s a Peachtree road race every 4th of July in Atlanta.

And I gotta tell you, people yelling like, hey, girl, you got this, or whatever. I mean, it really did put a swing in my step. I gotta say, it affected me way more.

I don’t think,

Honestly, I don’t think I would have been able to do that with all those people cheering and stuff. It really makes a difference.

Speaker B: But you don’t always have to be.

Speaker A: Cheering for someone else.

You can be your own cheerleader. You can do it. Okay.

I love you.

Have a lovely, lovely day.

How y’ all feeling after that stress therapy session? Good. Awesome. Check out the show notes to connect with me. The stress therapist on social media,

estresstherapist on Instagram and stresstherapy on Twitter. You can always go to ilovetherapy.com to find out about meditation and yoga retreats and other offerings that I have there. If you live in Georgia and you’re ready to be one of my clients, go to my website to find out how you can sign up for a free face to face consultation with me.

At the very least, jump on my mailer so you don’t stress or miss one thing.

Until next time.

Have a lovely, lovely day.