Hey beautiful people!
“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”– T.S. Eliot, “Four Quartets”
With mixed emotions (and my own parental impending trepidation), I have watched so many friends over the past couple of weeks drop their kids off at their new freshman dorm.
It’s so wonderful. It’s super sad.
It’s the most exciting thing. It’s a scary territory.
It’s awesome. It’s terrible.
It’s all the things…but in the end, it perfectly plays out (in real life and time) the modern proverb…if you love something, you let it go.
Buddhists love this idea (Or maybe they don’t feel one way or the other about it :)) All kidding aside, non-attachment is a big theme in the Buddhist tradition.
It’s a tough sell though because who wants to give up their favorite earrings or how they like a cup of Joe? Let alone our phones, cars, houses, pets, or people??
We are pretty attached to everything around us.
And yet, none of us get out of here alive nor do we take any of it with us.
So why do we think our attachments are us? Making us who we are?
Attachment is directly linked to our egos. The things we define ourselves with and by give us purpose and not only something to do but something to be.
Because after all, who are we without these things?
As we intellectually know, this is false. You are not your job, you are not your accomplishments, you are not your body, or car, or any of your possessions.
But stripped of our attachments, the spiritual community swears that we will find salvation, freedom, God, the secrets of the universe, all of it…but the price seems so risky!
Dropping off your kids at college is like the Olympics of non-attachment; and without suffering?! Yeah, right. Who would even do this unless it was absolutely necessary and the “way of the world?” Who would even do it unless it was an expression of true love??
Is there any way we can reap the benefits of non-attachment on a small level? Baby steps, if you will? Can we get any benefit from letting go of some things to aid in easing into the big things that we will inevitably lose in our lives?
I think so, but where to start? What can we let go of?
When you start to really think about it, so so many things.
So, Start Small
Starting small allows us to feel good about what we are letting go of rather than devastated. In the case of a parent dropping off a child in college a little bit of their identity is at stake. After all, who am I if my kids don’t live here and I don’t see them every day? Am I still a mom? That’s scary.
So, let’s ease into it…start with a small attachment. Maybe you’re not attached to that shirt or that dress or even those old pair of socks, but you might be attached to having a full closet. Or maybe just the thought of an empty closet throws you into a state of anxiety.
I get it.
When I teach my clients about ego identity, I talk about it like walking into a Goodwill store and trying on different clothes. None of it is you, but you might feel different in each garment. An army jacket is gonna feel completely different than a flowered dress but if you get to choose what you’re gonna buy and what you’re gonna wear, you get to choose who you’re gonna be and how you’re gonna act, right?
So we start with clothes…
About 20 years ago, I heard Wayne Dyer speak at a conference and he said that he completely emptied his house. For real. Besides a few books and a watch he ended up giving his daughter, he gave it all away. EVERYTHING gone. Can you imagine this? Doing this voluntarily?
Now, I’m no Wayne Dyer so I just started in my closet. It turned out to be an amazing experience. I mean, I am still talking about it now, right?
Besides a pair of favorite jeans and a couple of tees, I packed it ALL up. Every single shoe, top, dress, undergarment, all of it. After examining these piles, dumping or donating seemed way too much. So I promptly packed it up in bins and dropped it off at my best friend’s basement (she lives three hours away so it felt pretty gone to me).
Staring into a closet with literally 4 things hanging in it was a surreal experience.
I had this rush of truly unexpected emotions…
Gratitude. I have sooo much!
Peace. Minimal Clutter.
Elation. I felt so light.
Guilt that these “things” meant so much to me.
Joy that I did it!
You should know that I never took back one piece of clothing. Like ever. Is it possible I was WAY less attached than I thought I was…?
Maybe that’s the big secret: Attachment is a farce that our egos have created. Is this why we feel so good when we have bags and bags of items for the local charity to pick up? (I use this one, by the way: I schedule them to come every two weeks!) It’s an amazing feeling to be freed from it all!
And where else can we start small with non-attachment so we can ease into this? I have been thinking about this a lot because I have a Sophomore! It’s happening!!
How can we start small, but make it big somehow?
I’m trying this on the daily…small but there…little by little.
Something else that I learned from Wayne Dyer was that if we work on getting a little bit better and a little bit better and a little bit better, after a while, we look back and we’re a lot better.
So today, when my personal trainer raved and raved about my GlowFX rose-colored glasses and insisted on wearing them just delighted for the duration of our session, on the way out, when he handed them back to me, I waved him off and just said, “keep em!”
I LOVE those glasses, but the letting go felt absolutely AMAZING. Better than owning the glasses for sure. It was a transfer of joy, making someone’s day, all of it. Yessssssssssssss.
Maybe this will make the day when I drop off my boy a bit easier. Hm. Maybe not.
I just believe that actively working on feeling a bit better and wonderful and happier about things in general makes your life a little bit easier no matter what is going on.
It’s not so much as preparing for what we might think of as despair in losing everything but finding the value and peace found in small acts of non-attachment before we’re inevitably forced into it.
At some point, it’ll all be gone…Every person… Every belonging… Everything you love will be left behind and what will you still have what will matter?
You. You are enough. You don’t need these kids or a house or car or phone or shoes or vacation or job or any of it to be you.
You are already complete and you’re already perfect and wonderful and whole all on your own.
I’m precious, I’m perfect.
So, let’s try on a few different things at the Goodwill. Just be sure to leave a big bag of clothes at the door.
Love,
Cheri
