Hello!
Nothing gets a stress level soaring like a nasty interchange with someone that just seems impossible to get along with…
We all have to do it at some or another and as the holidays begin to creep up on us, it may be good to have a few more tools in your toolbox, if you know what I mean…
Here’s one of my favorite ways to get someone to drink a cup of “Zip it,” without being bossy or confrontational.
De-escalating is the tool that allows both parties to be heard without yelling…what a concept! Whooohooo!
Here’s how it usually goes…two parties are conversing…as the obvious disagreement becomes apparent, someone gets louder…in order to be heard and to compete actively in the argument, the other person gets slightly louder…next, a button may be pushed, a retaliation may occur and alas, both parties become even louder…next thing you know, screaming match=no one is listening, no one is getting heard, everyone is mad and nothing is resolved.
Next time you find yourself on this path…slowly beginning to escalate with your mom, or spouse or teenager (yes! This even works with teenagers!), try this…
Instead of getting louder than the other, get softer. Yes, softer. Drink a cup of “Zip it” yourself! Even if someone is a super escalator and starts off yelling at you, speak very softly…don’t whisper, but speak softer than your normal speaking voice.
What happens??? You’ll love this…whoever is escalating will stop, perhaps even cock an ear, lean in and actually try to determine what it is you’re saying!
If you can converse quietly, regardless of what anyone else is doing, it remains the natural response to continue the “I can be louder than you” behavior. This means that whomever you’re dealing with will present themselves as a bit louder than you’re speaking (which is softly) and thus, no yelling occurs (if, you can keep it up and not lose control!). Since there’s no yelling the potential for a discussion rather than an argument has become a viable option.
A few points to remember when de-escalating:
Once your listener begins actually listening, you better have something to say! You finally have their attention, so it’s imperative that you are saying something that:
A. You really want them to hear (what is it you are really trying to say anyway??), and
B. Will not shoot the situation into hyper-escalation mode.
That means no sarcasm or name calling!
Remember, just like you’re toddler that is learning a new behavior, it could get worse before it gets better. That means, you could have someone get really nasty in an effort to get you riled up…stick to your guns and it will subside…you have to just hang in there and let it de-escalate!
Remember, this is just a tool to keep things from getting out of control…not a lot of resolution technique, but who can even think about that with all this yelling and screaming going on?!
I’ll get back with you with specifics: what to say exactly when your listener is perking up in a brilliant effort to end arguments…for now just practice this tool.
I’m telling you, it’s alarming how well this works…from the first time you try it…it’s satisfyingly immediate.
Try it!!!
Let me know how it goes!
Hit me up with an email at cheri@thestresstherapist.com and tell me your de-escalating stories!
Peace, peace and more peace,
Cheri
